At the end of the day, you come home, change into your comfy
clothes, grab some ice cream, or a glass of wine, or a beer, you lay on the
couch and draw a line. What did I gain today? Have I been better than
yesterday? Have I snapped at somebody? Have I been worse than yesterday? But what
keeps you deep in thought is the question: what did I lose today? Loss is a
hard word. You know what they say? That sorry seems to be the hardest word? Well,
it’s not. Loss is. At the end of that day, when you draw the line you start
counting your losses. And they are a few. There are those minutes you spent getting
dressed, or standing in bed trying to wake up. You could have done that faster.
There are thoughts you lost by getting distracted by random stupid stuff like a
news on TV or an email that you won’t read anyway. You lose minutes here and
minutes there, trying to make your life better but you end up just wasting it
some more. Oh god. Let’s cut the crap. You and I both know what are the worst losses:
people.
I must confess that I don’t actually know how to deal with
loss. I’ve always been honest to myself regarding this matter. All I know is
that there are two ways of losing people.
1.
When you don’t have a saying in that. I was in
the 9th grade when me and my best friend grew apart. We went to
different high schools and we just stopped talking. It wasn’t exactly my
decision or hers, it just happened. I guess time is a weird thing. It keeps
people away when it’s needed. I was in the 12th grade when my
grandma died. The woman who raised me till I was 7 died. I couldn’t even go to
her funeral …
2.
When you have a saying in that. I was 23 when I decided
to end things with my longtime boyfriend. I looked inside me and I didn’t see happiness.
I gave him 3 years of my life and I wasn’t happy. It was a year later when I decided
I can’t fall in love with the boyfriend I had at the time. It hurts me till
this day that I couldn’t. And finally … it was 2 days ago when I said to the
love of my life that he can be happy. Without me.
You’d probably be surprised but it hurts way more when you
have to choose if you want to keep someone in your life or not. Like the best
friend who betrayed you. What do you do?
Are you gonna keep everything as it is even though you have a tear in your
soul? Like the love of your life who fell in love with someone else. Are you
gonna be his best friend even though it’s like a divine force is ripping your
heart out of your chest? Like that friend who always makes fun of you and you
don’t know if he cares about you or not. Are you gonna keep force him to stay
in touch with you?
Or maybe I do know how to deal with loss. After my grandma
died, I discovered that she’s always there, in my heart and brain. I could hear
her voice. So I did just whatever other crazy person like me would do. I started
talking to her. Years later, when my heart broke again, only worse this time, I
ended up doing the same thing. Talking to you. Frequently. I know you won’t
hear me till I’ll decide I can move on, but I’m actively talking to you. I’m
telling you how sad and mad I am. How happy we could’ve been. How I trust that
time will set things straight. How I believe that my grandma is my angel and
she knows what’s best for me. But a week later, I’m the exactly same place. It’s
fucking day 2 again.
“ I read somewhere that timing is everything … or … was that
location?”
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