loss

At the end of the day, you come home, change into your comfy clothes, grab some ice cream, or a glass of wine, or a beer, you lay on the couch and draw a line. What did I gain today? Have I been better than yesterday? Have I snapped at somebody? Have I been worse than yesterday? But what keeps you deep in thought is the question: what did I lose today? Loss is a hard word. You know what they say? That sorry seems to be the hardest word? Well, it’s not. Loss is. At the end of that day, when you draw the line you start counting your losses. And they are a few. There are those minutes you spent getting dressed, or standing in bed trying to wake up. You could have done that faster. There are thoughts you lost by getting distracted by random stupid stuff like a news on TV or an email that you won’t read anyway. You lose minutes here and minutes there, trying to make your life better but you end up just wasting it some more. Oh god. Let’s cut the crap. You and I both know what are the worst losses: people.

I must confess that I don’t actually know how to deal with loss. I’ve always been honest to myself regarding this matter. All I know is that there are two ways of losing people.

1.       When you don’t have a saying in that. I was in the 9^th grade when me and my best friend grew apart. We went to different high schools and we just stopped talking. It wasn’t exactly my decision or hers, it just happened. I guess time is a weird thing. It keeps people away when it’s needed. I was in the 12^th grade when my grandma died. The woman who raised me till I was 7 died. I couldn’t even go to her funeral …

2.       When you have a saying in that. I was 23 when I decided to end things with my longtime boyfriend. I looked inside me and I didn’t see happiness. I gave him 3 years of my life and I wasn’t happy. It was a year later when I decided I can’t fall in love with the boyfriend I had at the time. It hurts me till this day that I couldn’t. And finally … it was 2 days ago when I said to the love of my life that he can be happy. Without me.

You’d probably be surprised but it hurts way more when you have to choose if you want to keep someone in your life or not. Like the best friend who betrayed you.  What do you do? Are you gonna keep everything as it is even though you have a tear in your soul? Like the love of your life who fell in love with someone else. Are you gonna be his best friend even though it’s like a divine force is ripping your heart out of your chest? Like that friend who always makes fun of you and you don’t know if he cares about you or not. Are you gonna keep force him to stay in touch with you?

Or maybe I do know how to deal with loss. After my grandma died, I discovered that she’s always there, in my heart and brain. I could hear her voice. So I did just whatever other crazy person like me would do. I started talking to her. Years later, when my heart broke again, only worse this time, I ended up doing the same thing. Talking to you. Frequently. I know you won’t hear me till I’ll decide I can move on, but I’m actively talking to you. I’m telling you how sad and mad I am. How happy we could’ve been. How I trust that time will set things straight. How I believe that my grandma is my angel and she knows what’s best for me. But a week later, I’m the exactly same place. It’s fucking day 2 again.

“ I read somewhere that timing is everything … or … was that location?”