No one warned me. That I’ll go shop with my mom in a crowded
supermarket and in the middle of the dairy isle I’ll have a breakdown. I have actually
felt how my knees went weak and my chest constricted. My mom was taking her
sweet time to choose between two different brands of sour cream and I looked at
a bottle of milk wondering how breathing works. Like what’s the actual process?
Cause I know very well that there’s enough oxygen around me. And that my lungs
work. But somehow I couldn’t find … air. I couldn’t ... breathe. But my mom
called my name and my lungs filled up. Pain always takes you by surprise.
No one warned me. That I’ll leave the house with a smile on
my face (cause it snowed again last night) and after I’ll take 3 steps my body
will refuse to cooperate. Like I stop mid stride and I can’t remember the
simple action of walking. I look down at my legs and everything seems alright.
But my brain … my brain doesn’t want me to walk. My brain wants to run and fly
miles and miles away. Thousands of miles, to be more exact. Please brain. Let
me just walk. I need to walk. I need to breathe. I need to live. Again.
No one warned me. That I’ll wake up crying. Again and again.
That I’ll dream the same conversation over and over again. That the outcome
that I dream it’ll get worse and worse. That I’ll be afraid. So afraid that my
best friend forgot everything about me. Do you remember my name? Do you
remember the stuff we used to talk about? Well.. we talked about everything.
Let me narrow it down for you. Do you remember how I told you like 10 times
that I’ll kill both of us when you let me drove your car? Do you remember the
calls? The late nights? And boom! I wake up crying again thinking that karma is
a bitch. And that someone up there hates me. Or loves me? I had the chance to
meet and love you.
No one warned me. Or did they? My memory is not very good,
especially with the things that I choose to forget. People have warned me. But
I thought I know better. I know what love is. But I didn’t. I know what
heartbreak is. But I didn’t. And when think you know better, life fucks you up.
No. You don’t know better. You’ll suffer through this to learn that you’ll
never know better than life.
It’s just day 3. The third fucking day without you. 80 hours
without you. And I still can’t figure out how to breathe.
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