day 3

No one warned me. That I’ll go shop with my mom in a crowded supermarket and in the middle of the dairy isle I’ll have a breakdown. I have actually felt how my knees went weak and my chest constricted. My mom was taking her sweet time to choose between two different brands of sour cream and I looked at a bottle of milk wondering how breathing works. Like what’s the actual process? Cause I know very well that there’s enough oxygen around me. And that my lungs work. But somehow I couldn’t find … air. I couldn’t ... breathe. But my mom called my name and my lungs filled up. Pain always takes you by surprise.

No one warned me. That I’ll leave the house with a smile on my face (cause it snowed again last night) and after I’ll take 3 steps my body will refuse to cooperate. Like I stop mid stride and I can’t remember the simple action of walking. I look down at my legs and everything seems alright. But my brain … my brain doesn’t want me to walk. My brain wants to run and fly miles and miles away. Thousands of miles, to be more exact. Please brain. Let me just walk. I need to walk. I need to breathe. I need to live. Again.

No one warned me. That I’ll wake up crying. Again and again. That I’ll dream the same conversation over and over again. That the outcome that I dream it’ll get worse and worse. That I’ll be afraid. So afraid that my best friend forgot everything about me. Do you remember my name? Do you remember the stuff we used to talk about? Well.. we talked about everything. Let me narrow it down for you. Do you remember how I told you like 10 times that I’ll kill both of us when you let me drove your car? Do you remember the calls? The late nights? And boom! I wake up crying again thinking that karma is a bitch. And that someone up there hates me. Or loves me? I had the chance to meet and love you.

No one warned me. Or did they? My memory is not very good, especially with the things that I choose to forget. People have warned me. But I thought I know better. I know what love is. But I didn’t. I know what heartbreak is. But I didn’t. And when think you know better, life fucks you up. No. You don’t know better. You’ll suffer through this to learn that you’ll never know better than life.

It’s just day 3. The third fucking day without you. 80 hours without you. And I still can’t figure out how to breathe.