So just tell me, what do you do when things like lies and
deceit are more common than common sense? What do you do when person after
person around you resorts to the same thing? It’s like they have one mind, and
not in a good way. What do you do when you get more disappointed each day
because of the people you gave your trust to, your faith, the chance to prove
you wrong? Are you gonna drown yourself? In drinking? In exercising? In fucking?
In getting high? In yourself? Are you? You take a minute to look inside you,
and you’re surprised by what you see there. The person who always saw the good
in people almost had enough. And that means … you let people fuck you up one
too many times. What now?!
I was 26 when I almost lost faith in humanity. Don’t get me
wrong. I love people. And I appreciate their uniqueness and their beautiful
bodies and souls. But sometimes you forget about all that and you focus on the
bad things. I got lied to, time and time again. I met jerk after jerk. I tried
to establish connections with people who didn’t know what a connection really
is or with people who just didn’t want to give me the time of day. I was
sitting last night drinking my coke in a corner and I was looking around me. There
are so many people. But nobody sees me. They laugh and have fun with each
other. And that’s absolutely fine by me. But do they think I’m worth it? Do they
think I am smart? And cute? And considerate? Do they think I am a good friend? Do
they see my inner struggle and that it almost got me to my knees? Do they? A friend
just looked at me and asked me to dance. I smile and get up. One dance. I let
the rhythm play with my synesthesia and I close my eyes. I love the effect
music has on my mind and body. I mean, how lucky am I to actually feel the
music on my skin? It’s hugging me. But I sometimes need a real hug. Affection. Am
I .. depressed? What’s this strange feeling that I have? Oh. Memories rush to the
front of my train of thought. They take the lead and I have an answer. It’s
disappointment. It’s like faith is getting away through the cracks that people
left behind. I’m just a cracked shell.
7 years later I look back to those days. The days when I was
26 and disappointed in the people I welcomed into my life. As time went by, I smartened
up. I learned that you don’t need validation from anyone but yourself. You are
the only one who can evaluate you cause you can see the inside too. I learned
that people who want to be your friends, they will fight for you and they won’t
let you run. I learned … it’s so easy to let go of the people who are bad for
you. I learned that love is a real thing. And it can save you and give you
wings and make you grow in a beautiful way. I learned again how beautiful
people really are. I noticed how lies and deceit are just walls they build around
them outta fear. People are so scared. They are scared to look inside other
human beings because they might see themselves. And they know how fucked up
they actually are. And finally, my toughest lesson was to learn to lower my
crazy high expectations. Nothing ruins a life more than high hopes.
Just close your eyes. And connect with me, and him, and her,
and other people like us. We are a cloud of people. You’re never alone in your
struggle. We are here too. Close eyes and let’s hold hands till it gets better.
One breath at the time. One step at the time.
